


The Truth About Cats & Dogs

by tisfan



Series: Imagine Tony and Bucky 2016/2017 [36]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Truth About Cats & Dogs (1996)
Genre: Blind Date, Identity Porn, Implied Phone Sex, M/M, Minor Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson, Relationship Issues, Rollerblades & Rollerskates, Veterinarian Bucky Barnes, Veterinary Medicine, lying, public apologies, truth about cats and dogs AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2017-11-15
Packaged: 2019-02-01 19:53:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12711825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tisfan/pseuds/tisfan
Summary: Dr. Bucky Barnes is a radio host for the popular veterinary show, Truth about Cats & Dogs. When caller Tony asks to meet up for drinks, Bucky gets cold feet at the last second and gets his friend Steve to pretend to be Bucky...This would be all well and good... except Bucky might be falling for Tony anyway...





	The Truth About Cats & Dogs

**Author's Note:**

> for this prompt:
> 
> Anonymous: truth about cats &dogs AU where Bucky ends up forcign stve to pretend to be bucky for blind date w/tony

“Bucky!” Natasha Romanov snapped her fingers at him. “You’ve got a caller on line three, says his roommate’s dog is hysterical.”

Bucky glanced at his coffee cup mournfully. “Give Conan O’Brien a call?”

“Answer the phone,” Natasha said. “You’ve got a few minutes left for the show, and I’m not rolling to commercial. Take the call! Guy’s name is Tony.”

“This is Dr. Bucky Barnes. Hi, Tony. You’re on the air,” Bucky said, clicking on his headset. “What seems to be the problem with your dog?”

“Well, he’s not my dog,” came a sharp, crisp voice. “He’s actually my housemate’s dog, and, well, he’s wearing roller-skates.”

Bucky blinked. “Do I even want an explanation for that?”

“You’d have to meet Clint, and I’m pretty sure you don’t want to do that, but look, the dog is upset and growling and snapping and rolling around my living room, and I don’t know what to do, I never owned a dog in my life, and Clint just… left. And the dog. Is in roller-skates.”

“Okay,” Bucky sighed. “Your dog--”

“He’s not my dog!”

“ _The_ dog is feeling very threatened and scared. So you need to approach him from a submissive position.”

“Woah, darlin’,” Tony said. “I don’t want to kink-shame, but you need to help me here.”

“Dog first, then I’ll help you,” Bucky offered. “Get down on your hands and knees.”

“This is sounding kinkier by the moment.”

“You want my help, do what I say.”

“We’re going to come back to that topic later, Dr. Barnes,” Tony said. “Ok, I’m on my hands and knees. In a very expensive suit, I might add. Now what?”

“Crawl toward the dog, head down, tipped to the side. Do not make eye contact. You want to soothe him with your voice, you hear how my voice is nice and soothing?”

“Yeah, you got a great phone sex voice. It's not quite soothing if it's turning me on. He, the dog I mean, uh, seems very interested in me. Great.”

“Stop flirting with me and pay attention,” Bucky said. “You wanna talk him down, then curl your hand up like a paw and touch his shoulder with it.”

Bucky could hear the dog snarling. “Jesus!”

“Are your fingers intact?”

“At the moment!” Tony squeaked.

“Okay, don’t worry, it’ll be okay. You want to touch his ear, very gently, and put a little pressure on the tips. That’s an acupuncture point. It’ll soothe him. Does he seem soothed?”

“Yeah, uh, okay. He’s… stopped growling,” Tony informed him. “That’s good, right?”

“Good, keep doing that, and see if you can get him to lay down and then you can take the skates off.”

“Oh, look at that!” Bucky could swear, he could hear Tony smiling over the phone line. “How’d you do that?”

“You did it, my friend,” Bucky responded. “You just have to be patient, and calm, and get the animal to trust you.”

“Trust, ha, yeah, okay,” Tony said, “that uh... hasn't always worked out for me.”

“Well, it did this time. Congratulations. You’re a one time dog-whisperer.”

“Yeah. Thank you,” Tony said. “Hey, about that flirting--”

“Thanks for calling, have a good day!” Bucky disconnected the call and practically threw his headphones onto the desk. God, he was tired. Never again, never _ever_ ever going drinking with Steve and the rest of his army buddies until four in the morning when he had a show at nine. His hangover was fucking lethal.

***

“What is this?”

“There’s a card,” Natasha informed Bucky helpfully.

Bucky stared. His desk was covered with flowers; a rose bouquet and a pot of tulips and another pot holding a shrubby-looking thing. He plucked the card from the middle and opened it. Out slid a photograph of a dog with one eye, grinning into the camera as he gnawed on a roller-skate.

_Thanks for yesterday! Call me! 516-555-8669 -Tony S_

“Nobody ever sends me flowers,” Natasha complained.

“You can have the shrubby thing if you want,” Bucky offered. “It looks like it has to be watered or something. I suck with plants.”

“Best vet in the state, and you can’t keep a fern alive. Pathetic.”

Bucky flipped her off, then got his phone out. “Hey, Tony,” he said, when the man answered his phone. “It’s Dr. Barnes. I got your card.”

“You see the picture?” Tony sounded excited.

“I’m looking at it right now. Gonna pin it up in my office, he’s a very cute pupper.”

“Yeah, he’s a sweetie, all right. Hey, I just wanted to thank you again. Personally, you know. Like, can I take you to dinner?”

Bucky held his phone away from his face for a few minutes, staring at it. “What? Like, why… why would I want to meet a caller in person that I know nothing about?”

“Uh, well, we could just, you know, go for a walk? I don’t know… you’re a vet, right? I have this horrible case of mange, and I can’t stop licking, and I was wondering if you might recommend an ointment or something--”

“Oh, my god, stop,” Bucky said, laughing. “All right, all right, what the hell? One drink. Outdoors. Bring the dog.”

They set up a meeting place and time, and Bucky put his phone back in his pocket. “What the hell am I doing?”

“Going out with an idiot who puts roller-skates on his dog!” Natasha chirped. “I heard the whole thing, and pictures will be required.”

***

“Oh my god,” Bucky said, staring at the man with the dog, waiting on the little bridge. “Oh, my. GOD!”

Because the man on the bridge, the caller, the one with the dog on roller skates? Was Tony Stark.

Bucky watched him. Tony Stark. Billionaire. Genius. Playboy. Philanthropist. With a one-eyed dog. Both of whom were looking around, waiting for Dr. Bucky Barnes. A vet, in more ways than one. His missing arm hadn’t seemed quite so… noticeable in a long time.

“I can’t do this,” Bucky whispered, staring at the very image of masculine perfection on the bridge.

His phone buzzed in his back pocket. Bucky scrambled for it. _You coming?_

_Running a little late. Sorry._

Fuck. Now what was he supposed to do? Why the hell would Tony even be interested in taking someone like Bucky out for a drink? Tony could have… he could have anyone he wanted.

“Stop working it up in your head, Barnes. Just because the man wants a drink doesn’t mean he’s looking for a date. He could, actually, just want to say thank you for--”

“Still talking to yourself, Buck?”

Bucky dropped his phone, startled. “Steve!”

“Who else would it be?” Steve asked. “Not like you have a million screaming fans or anything.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “I do not,” he said. “I have… oh, oh, _oh_ , you should go.”

“I should go where? Buck, I was going to meet Sam and--”

“Nope, not today,” Bucky said. “Today, you’re gonna be me, and you’re gonna go on a date with Tony Stark, and then you’re gonna tell me if he’s an asshole or something.”

“And what about Sam?”

“I will tell Sam you’ve been delayed. It’ll be fine. You two can shit talk and play pool later.”

“Why am I pretending to be you?” Steve crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re a perfectly good person to date. You’re--”

“It’s… come on, Steve, I haven’t been on a date in years, I don’t know what to do. I wasn’t prepared for this. I was prepared for an idiot who put _roller skates on a dog_.”

“Ooooh, that’s _that_ guy,” Steve whistled. Of course Steve had heard the show. Bucky sighed. Mortification, complete. “Okay, look, one date. And just to make sure he’s not a psycho killer or something, and then if he’s okay, you actually go out with him. You need to get out more, make more friends than the people you talk with on the phone for your show.”

“Deal.”

***

Except once Bucky’d chickened out once, he did it again.

He cancelled four dates in a row with Tony Stark. Whatever Steve had said to him, Tony was obviously interested.

The first one, Bucky almost sort of had a real reason; he had a seminar lecture and he knew he’d be worn out, and going on a date seemed like… too much.

The second time Tony called, he just sealed his fate. He started by calling Bucky “gorgeous” and complimented Bucky on “his” physique.  which was actually _Steve’s_ physique. Sigh. Bucky couldn’t compare with Steve, who was built like a brick, as attractive as Adonis, and as sweet as apple pie. Bucky was a hot mess most of the time, whose personal style had once been described as _murder hobo_. He was good with animals because he didn’t much like people. And Tony was talking about how much fun he’d had, and how outgoing “Bucky” was… and…

Yeah, it wasn’t happening.

***

“Buck, we got a problem,” Steve said.

“Which is what, exactly?” Bucky was reading through some of his fan mail, didn’t look up.

“I ran into your Tony the other day,” Steve said. “And… well, we went out again, because I didn’t know what to say, I mean, how do I tell this guy that I’m not you? I didn’t want to make a scene, or embarrass him, but you gotta tell him. You gotta turn him down, because I don’t… I don’t want to do that again.”

“Do what? Go to dinner?”

“No,” Steve said. “He called me by your name, and then he kissed me.”

Jealous wasn’t a thing that Bucky thought he could be over a guy he didn’t (did!) really want to date. “Steve, you let him think I’m fast?” Bucky scolded, because what the hell else was he supposed to say?

“Look, I’m going to an art retreat upstate. I’ll be gone for two weeks. Just call him, go meet him, and tell him you were shy. It’ll be fine. Or call him, and say you’re… you as me? Whatever. And that you don’t want to go out. How hard could it be?”

***

“Hey, Tony,” Bucky said.

“Oh, Bucky!” Tony said, and there was that smile again, big as life, in his voice. “You’re using your radio voice! I love it. So sexy. I mean, your regular speaking voice is nice, too, but this… oh, I could totally get used to it. Go on, talk to me…”

“No, seriously, Tony--”

“Talk to me, gorgeous,” Tony said. “We’ve gone out twice, and I feel like I don’t know you at all. What do you like? Where’d you grow up? Come on, I just got out of a two hour business meeting, I need to relax. Help me out.”

So Bucky talked, and Tony listened, prodding him along with questions and comments and his own delightful stories and jokes. Bucky hadn’t felt this comfortable with anybody, aside from Steve, in _years_.

“I like this,” Tony said, after they’d been talking for about an hour. “Phone date. We should do this more often.”

“Yeah, okay,” Bucky said. “Phone date. I can do that.”

“Great! I’ll call you tomorrow.”

***

“Two weeks? Bucky! I was gone for two weeks and you didn’t break up with him?”

“No,” Bucky confessed. “I actually… think I like him.”

“Great!”

“But… he thinks I’m you,” Bucky said, staring at his shoes. “I can’t… I can’t go to him now and tell him I’ve been lying the whole time? He’ll never want to see me again.”

“Bucky,” Steve said, very gently. “If you don’t tell him, I will. I can’t risk running into him again. Sam was pretty forgiving of a first time -- he thought it was hilarious, actually. But he and I are exclusive now, and--”

“Yeah, yeah, okay, I get it. I just…”

“You can do it, Buck. You’re the bravest man I know. Don’t… this--” he touched Bucky’s sleeve. “--doesn’t make you less of a man than you were. Don’t let yourself think that, okay?”

Bucky wiped his eyes. Damn allergies.

***

“Hey, gorgeous!” Tony greeted him.

“Tony, hey,” Bucky said.

“There’s my sexy man,” Tony said. “You gonna let me take you out again, show you off? I’d really like to.”

“I… uh, I’d like that too, but…”

“I don’t like the sound of that but,” Tony said. “I mean, your butt, yeah, you could bounce a quarter off that, but… not a but but.”

“Your butt’s pretty great, too,” Bucky said, without thinking, because everyone in the world had seen Tony Stark’s ass. He was top ten most eligible man for several years running, and the money was only part of it. “It’s… like a peach.”

“You wanna take a bite of it, sugar? I’d be interested in that.”

What the hell was this? Phone sex?

Fifteen minutes and a matched set of orgasms later…

Definitely phone sex.

“Well, that was nice,” Tony said, sighing. “Needed that.”

“Yeah,” Bucky said. He fished around for a tissue and cleaned himself up, almost drowsing into post-coital bliss.

“You know, I haven’t said this in a long time, but… I think I might be interested in seeing where this goes,” Tony said.

Bucky was a little numb. “Yeah, okay.”

“Great! Kisses! I’ll talk to you tomorrow. See you soon.”

“Tony, I need to tell you something.” Bucky was talking to empty air, Tony had hung up. Well, fuck.

***

“Really, Bucky?” Steve scowled. “You’ve been having phone sex with the guy, and brushing him off for real dates for almost two months now. Stop. Come clean, or stop talking to him.”

“Steeeeeve,” Bucky whined. “I don’t… you know, at first, it was fine, a little embarrassing, but it was okay. I mean, I didn’t know him, and it didn’t really matter.”

“But you like him now.”

“Yeah. I do.”

“So tell him. Bucky, you’re just digging the hole. Climb out, before you get stuck down there.”

“Fuck you, Rogers.”

“I’m not the one you want to fuck. Bucky, tell him.”

***

“Hey, Buck,” Natasha called, after Bucky disconnected the call; another animal in distress rescued, by Truth about Cats and Dogs professional phone vet, Bucky Barnes. A triumph. He was feeling very pleased about it. Pushed up from his desk with plans to get a cup of coffee.

“Yeah, Natasha?” Bucky asked, rounding the corner into the break room.

“You’ve got a visitor.”

Bucky stopped dead. Looked up.

Of. Fucking. Course.

“Tony,” Bucky said.

Tony was even more attractive up close. Close enough he could smell the man’s cologne. Close enough that he could see everything falling down in his eyes. Tony stared from Natasha to Bucky and back again.

And then he dropped the bouquet of flowers on the floor. Peonies. Bucky’s favorite. Which he’d told Tony over the phone during one of their late night conversations. And walked off without a word.

“Shit.”

***

“He’s not taking my calls,” Bucky moaned.

“Bucky, what did you expect?” Steve was less sympathetic than he should have been. Bucky was supposed to be his best friend, he automatically got the best friend sympathy card. That was just in the rules, right?

***

“This is Doctor Bucky Barnes,” Bucky said. “Today we have a special show for you. It’s a show called ‘even really smart people screw up sometimes.’ I want to tell you a story about the stupid thing I did, with hopes that it’ll get back to the man I… that I think I’m in love with. Because I hurt him, and I didn’t mean to.

“I was just scared.”

Bucky waved off Natasha, who was tapping frantically on the studio glass. This was not on today’s script, but Bucky felt like he’d earned a little leeway. He had the studio’s most listened to broadcast.

“One of the things I haven’t told anyone about me, is that I’m not just a veterinarian. I’m a veteran. I was a combat medic for a while, and well, I got blown up. Bad. I’m missing an arm. Which sucks. Do you know how hard it is to actually do surgery with one hand? I didn’t know what to do when I got home. I took some classes, more out of boredom than anything else. Met my boss, Natasha Romanov, and we cooked up this idea for Truth about Cats and Dogs. Which, you all know, is really great. I can do work that I love, and I don’t have to have two hands to man a radio booth, right?

“But I’m really self conscious about the way I look. My friend Steve -- we’ll get to Steve more in a minute -- he tells me that missing an arm doesn't’ make me less of a man, but I sometimes feel like it does. Like I don’t have enough to offer someone interested in a romantic relationship.

“So when this perfect guy comes along,” Bucky said. He was tearing up, but he knew how to keep it out of his voice. “This beautiful, smart, generous man comes along, and he’s interested in dating me? Well, I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. The last time I went on a date, I had two hands and a buzzcut.

“Anyway. I kinda lied to him. I let him believe that my friend Steve was really me. I mean, who knows me better than Steve? He can pretend to be me, he’ll tell me the guy’s an asshole, and that I don’t want to date him, and everything’ll go back to normal.

“You can imagine, that’s not what happened. Otherwise I wouldn’t be talking to you all today about my problems, instead of listening to yours. And I’m sorry for that. But mostly… I’m sorry for lying to Tony. For letting him think I was someone I’m not. I’m sorry for leading him on, talking to him on the phone, every day… for weeks.

“I’m sorry I didn’t know how to be honest. I didn’t know how to fix it.

“I know I don’t deserve another chance, but I never got the opportunity to apologize. So… uh, I’d like to do that. I’m sorry. If someone hears this… and they know Tony… could you tell him? Thanks. That’s all I wanted to say. Taking your calls after the commercials.”

***

Bucky put his headphones on his desk.

“I should move you up to an evening slot, and call it Mr. Lonelyhearts,” Natasha complained. All the rest of the show’s callers had been men (and women) calling to say that they’d absolutely go out with him, in case that Tony didn’t know what he was throwing away.

It would have been sweet, if it wasn’t also utterly humiliating.

“Shut up, Natasha,” Bucky said.

“Wanna go out with me?”

“No,” Bucky said. He flipped her off again.

Bucky left the studio and had barely gone fifty feet down the street when a dog bounded up to him, barking. Fluffy, mixed-breed, with one eye.

Bucky got a strange feeling in his stomach. “I know you,” he said, petting the dog. “Don’t I?”

“You’ve got his picture hanging in your office,” a familiar voice came from behind him.

“Tony.”

“Yeah.”

Bucky turned around and there he was. He wasn’t wearing an expensive suit this time; he was in jeans and a tank top with oil smeared on it and a hoodie thrown on over it. His hair was a mess.

“You… uh…”

“I was listening to your show,” Tony confessed. “I’m mad at hell at you, but… I missed your voice. I didn’t think you’d know. Or care.”

“Of course I care,” Bucky said. “I’m so, so sorry. Things... just got out of hand. I never expected it to go so far.”

“I made Clint lend me his dog, just so I’d have an excuse to talk to you again.”

“I didn't think you really wanted, you know. Me. You thought you were getting Steve. You were in love with _Steve_.”

“Bucky, this whole time, I have only been in love with one man,” Tony said. “And I’m looking at him.”


End file.
